What Ross and Rachel Can Teach Us About Communication
We’ve all been there—feeling frustrated with our partner and blurting out something that starts with, “You always…” or “Why do you never…” According to Dr. John Gottman, this is the first sign that a relationship might be in trouble: Criticism—the first of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Let’s break it down (with a little help from Friends).
What is Criticism?
Criticism attacks your partner’s character, not just their behaviour. It’s different from a complaint. A complaint might sound like:
“*I felt hurt when you didn’t call to say you’d be late.*”
But a criticism? That’s more like:
“*You’re so selfish. You never think about how your actions affect me.*”
See the difference? One invites repair. The other invites defensiveness.
Criticism in Friends: Ross & Rachel
Remember when Ross made that infamous list comparing Rachel and Julie? (“Rach: spoiled, ditzy, too into her looks…”).
When Rachel finds out, she doesn’t just say she’s hurt. She tears into Ross’s character:
“*Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most… not only thinks them too but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you?*”
It’s raw, and it’s real. And while her pain is valid, that criticism cuts deep and derails any hope of repair in the moment.
Why Criticism is Harmful
Criticism often leads to:
– Your partner feeling attacked or ashamed
– Defensiveness (another Horseman!)
– Emotional distance
– Escalating arguments that go nowhere
Over time, couples feel like they’re on opposing teams—keeping score, building resentment, and wondering, “Why don’t they hear me?”
What Helps Instead: The Gentle Start-Up
One of my favourite tools I teach couples in my practice is the Gentle Start-Up—a way to bring up issues without triggering defensiveness.
Instead of:
“*You’re always on your phone. You don’t care about us.*”
Try:
“*I miss spending time with you in the evenings. Can we set aside a phone-free hour?*”
It’s softer. More direct. And it actually works.
I remember reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work after a relationship ended. What really struck me was how small changes—like how we start a conversation—could have such a big impact. It wasn’t complicated, and that gave me hope. That insight is what sparked my passion for helping couples. I realised many relationships don’t need fixing—they just need better tools to reconnect.
How I Help at Summit Counselling
In couples sessions, we explore communication patterns like criticism and introduce tools from the Gottman Method that actually stick. Couples who are open to learning and change have an opportunity to thrive and feel the benefit of the Gentle Start-Up. It helps them feel heard—sometimes for the first time in years.
Whether you’re in a “we’re struggling” season or just want to strengthen your connection, counselling can help you get back to each other.
Your Next Step
📍Based in Swords, I offer the Gottman method of Couples Counselling to help you:
– Improve communication
– Rebuild trust
– Feel closer again
Book a Relationship Assessment now
Check out our 1-minute video on Criticism here:
Want to feel heard again in your relationship?
Let’s start the climb together.