Let’s be honest if you’ve ever heard the phrase “We were on a break!” you probably instantly think of Friends and Ross shouting it from the rooftops. But behind the sitcom punchline is something many of us recognise in ourselves or our relationships: defensiveness.
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, defensiveness is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse behaviours that predict relationship breakdown if left unchecked. And it’s more common than we like to admit.
What Is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness happens when we feel accused or attacked and instead of taking responsibility or trying to understand our partner’s perspective, we protect ourselves.
That might sound like:
- “I only said that because you started it.”
- “You’re always blaming me.”
- “It wasn’t that bad.”
- Or the classic: “We were on a break!”
It’s a way of saying: I’m not the problem here… you are.
The problem is, even if we feel unfairly accused, becoming defensive blocks resolution. It escalates arguments and leaves both people feeling unheard and frustrated.
Defensiveness in Friends: Ross & Rachel and The Break
Let’s rewind to one of the most iconic (and over-referenced) conflicts in TV history. Ross and Rachel are “on a break.” Ross sleeps with someone else. Rachel finds out, and a huge fight follows.
Ross, trying to defend his actions, keeps shouting:
“We were on a break!”
He’s not listening. He’s not acknowledging Rachel’s hurt. He’s caught up in proving he’s technically right. And in doing so, he misses what matters most: the emotional impact.
This moment is defensiveness in full force. Instead of responding with care or accountability, Ross retreats into a technicality to avoid emotional responsibility.
What Ross Could Have Said Instead
It’s not easy to stay open when we feel under fire but growth happens when we move from defensiveness to ownership and empathy.
Instead of doubling down, Ross could have said:
“I can see how much this hurt you. I didn’t know how to handle the break, and I made a mistake. I want to talk about it, if you’re open to that.”
This doesn’t erase what happened, but it creates space for healing not just more shouting.
Why Defensiveness Happens (And What to Do About It)
Defensiveness is a self-protection mechanism. We feel attacked, so we shield ourselves either by counter-attacking (“You’re not perfect either”) or playing the innocent victim (“Why are you always blaming me?”).
The antidote?
Taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem.
It might sound like:
- “I see what you’re saying.”
- “You’re right I didn’t handle that well.”
- “I can understand why you felt that way.”
These responses invite connection, not conflict.
Defensiveness in Couples Counselling
In couples work, I often help clients spot defensiveness early especially the two main types:
- The Innocent Victim
One partner feels under fire and shuts down: “I can’t do anything right.” It looks passive, but it can quietly block progress.
- The Counter-Attacker
This one fights back fast: “Oh yeah? What about what you did?”
We work on recognising the impulse to blame and learning how to validate the other person before defending a point.
It’s amazing how much can shift when both people stop focusing on being right and start focusing on being heard.
Noticing Defensiveness in Your Relationship?
If you find yourself shouting your own version of “We were on a break!”, it might be a sign that something deeper needs attention.
Defensiveness isn’t failure it’s a reaction. With the right support, couples can learn to turn conflict into connection.
📍 Based in Swords, North County Dublin
🌐 Book a free consult or learn more at www.summitcounselling.org