Contempt is often described as the most destructive of the Gottman’s’ Four Horsemen. It doesn’t just hurt — it erodes the very foundation of emotional safety in a relationship.
Where criticism attacks a partner’s behaviour or character, contempt communicates disgust, often through sarcasm, sneering, eye-rolling, or mockery. It says, “I’m better than you,” whether those words are spoken or not. Over time, contempt leaves one partner feeling worthless and the other increasingly disconnected.
Watch This Moment in Action
Want to see contempt unfold in under a minute?
Watch the clip here:
Contempt in Friends: Rachel and the Pros-and-Cons List
In Friends, Rachel discovers that Ross has made a pros-and-cons list about her while deciding between her and Julie. When she confronts him, she says:
“Imagine the one person you trusted the most — not only thinks of you that way, but actually lists it.”
Her words sting, not just because of what Ross did, but because of the emotional charge in her tone. This moment is a perfect example of contempt. It’s not merely disappointment or hurt — it’s layered with disgust and betrayal.
Contempt like this usually builds over time. It signals that resentment has been left to simmer and is now boiling over. When contempt becomes a habit, it puts the relationship at serious risk.
What Rachel Could Have Said Instead
The goal isn’t to hide our pain, but to express it without superiority or attack. In therapy, we practise softening these moments with vulnerability. Rachel might have said:
❤️ “That list was really painful to read. I need some time, but I want to understand where you were coming from.”
This kind of statement invites dialogue rather than defensiveness. It leaves space for repair instead of deepening the divide.
Why Contempt Hurts More Than You Think
Dr John Gottman’s research shows that contempt is the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. It isn’t just painful for the partner on the receiving end — it signals the absence of empathy, respect, and affection.
Couples who regularly express contempt stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt. They stop turning toward one another emotionally, and the relationship gradually turns cold.
How We Work With Contempt in Counselling
In couples sessions, I help partners:
- Identify contempt as it shows up in tone, expressions, or words
- Rebuild a culture of appreciation, admiration, and respect
- Speak from pain without slipping into blame
Many couples are surprised by how quickly things change when they replace contempt with curiosity — and when they begin to feel emotionally safe again.
What Next?
If you notice eye-rolls, sarcasm, or a sense of superiority creeping into your relationship, don’t panic — it’s simply a signal that something needs attention, not that the relationship is doomed.
Counselling can help you rebuild emotional trust, shift the dynamic, and reconnect.
📍 Based in Swords, North County Dublin
🌐 Learn more: www.summitcounselling.org