Nervous system regulation describes how we respond to stress and settle afterwards. It doesn’t mean feeling calm all the time. It means having more flexibility to meet challenges, recover and respond to what is happening around us.
We tend to talk about regulation as if the goal is to be permanently zen: slow breath, soft voice, unbothered by anything. I’d like to offer a different picture.
Think of it as becoming aware of which gear you’re in, and finding ways to shift up or down depending on what the moment asks of you.
Does nervous system regulation mean being calm all the time?
No. Stress is part of being human, and some stress helps us respond to challenges. It can give us the energy to prepare for a job interview or react quickly when we need to.
The difficulty comes when we struggle to settle afterwards, or feel overwhelmed by demands that keep coming.
You might feel anxious, wired or constantly on edge. At other times, you might feel flat, exhausted or disconnected. These experiences can have different causes, and they aren’t character flaws.
Regulation isn’t about getting rid of difficult feelings. It’s about developing more capacity to be with them, recognise what we need and find support when things feel too much.
Why can it be difficult to switch off?
Repeated demands can leave us feeling as though we’re always on call. There may be no obvious crisis, but very little opportunity to rest.
Think about the ordinary things that fill a day:
- Phones that buzz, ping and light up.
- Work emails that follow us home.
- A constant stream of news and other people’s lives.
- Moving straight from one responsibility to the next.
Each demand might seem small. Together, they can make it difficult to feel finished.
Many of the people I see in my practice aren’t describing one dramatic event. They’re describing the experience of never being fully off.
How can boundaries help with stress?
Boundaries can reduce some of the demands on our attention and make more room for rest. They don’t have to be dramatic to be useful.
A few everyday examples include:
- Keeping your phone away from the bedside.
- Choosing a time in the evening when you stop checking messages.
- Taking adequate breaks and leaving a few minutes between tasks.
- Saying “not yet” or “let me think about it” before agreeing to something.
What works will depend on your circumstances. You may not be able to change every demand, particularly when you’re caring for others or working under pressure.
Start with something that is within your control. Even a small boundary can give you a little more breathing space.
Can breathing exercises help with stress?
Gentle breathing practices may help some people feel more settled and manage feelings of stress. They are one possible support, and people respond to them differently.
Breathing happens automatically, but we can also consciously change its rhythm. Slowing the breath comfortably can give us something steady to return to when our thoughts are racing.
The aim isn’t to take the biggest breath possible or force yourself to relax. It’s to find a rhythm that feels manageable.
If focusing on your breathing makes you more anxious, you can pause. You might find it easier to notice your feet on the floor, look around the room or take a gentle walk.
Start by noticing your breath
Before trying a technique, notice how you’re breathing right now.
Are you holding your breath while reading emails? Does your breathing feel quick or shallow? Are you tightening your shoulders without realising?
You don’t have to change anything immediately. Noticing gives you an opportunity to pause and consider what you need.
If it feels comfortable, try breathing gently through your nose. Your nose helps filter, warm and moisten the air you breathe. You don’t need to force nasal breathing if your nose is blocked or it feels difficult.
Let the breath move naturally. Notice whether it feels easy or effortful, without judging what you find.
You can practise this during ordinary moments: sitting at your desk, waiting in a queue or taking a break between tasks.
Simple breathing practices to try gently
Choose one practice rather than feeling you need to do them all. Keep your breathing comfortable, and stop if you feel dizzy, breathless or more distressed.
- A slightly longer exhale
Breathe in gently, then let the out-breath last a little longer than the in-breath.
If counting helps, you could try breathing in for three and out for four. Adjust the counts to suit your comfort, or leave the counting out altogether.
Try a few breaths, then return to your natural rhythm. You don’t need to fill or empty your lungs completely.
- A gentle sigh
Take a comfortable breath in, followed by a small additional inhale if that feels easy. Then breathe out slowly through your mouth.
Return to ordinary breathing and notice how you feel. There’s no need to repeat it if it feels uncomfortable or unhelpful.
- Box breathing, if comfortable
Box breathing uses four stages: breathe in, pause, breathe out, pause.
Some people use a count of four for each stage and imagine tracing the sides of a box. The counting can provide a focus when the mind feels busy.
Breath holds don’t suit everyone. If the pauses create strain or make you anxious, skip them and use gentle, continuous breathing instead.
The point is to get curious about what helps you, rather than to complete an exercise perfectly.
My experience of breathwork and grief
Grief can be felt physically as well as emotionally. You might notice tightness, heaviness, tiredness or changes in your breathing.
In my own experience, supported breathwork helped me notice physical sensations and emotions connected with grief that I hadn’t fully recognised through talking alone.
As a therapist, I could describe and reflect on my grief. Through breathwork, I found another way of connecting with how I was experiencing it.
That was meaningful for me. Other people may experience breathwork differently, and some may find other forms of support more helpful.
For me, it wasn’t about “getting over” grief. It was about finding more room to carry it.
Gentle breathing and deeper breathwork are different
The everyday breathing practices described above are different from intensive approaches such as conscious connected breathwork, which involve sustained breathing patterns.
Intensive breathwork can produce strong physical sensations and emotional responses. It should involve appropriate screening and support from a suitably trained facilitator, and it may be unsuitable during pregnancy or for people with certain medical or mental health conditions.
If you’re considering it, discuss suitability with the facilitator and, where relevant, your GP or treating clinician. Breathwork should not replace medical care or psychological support you need.
When might counselling help?
If anxiety, grief or overwhelm is affecting your daily life, counselling offers space to explore what is happening and what support might help.
Breathing practices can be useful, but they don’t address every source of distress. Sometimes we need to talk about the loss we’re carrying, the pressure we’re under or the relationships in which it feels difficult to set boundaries.
In counselling, we can explore these experiences at your pace, without expecting you to arrive calm or have everything worked out.
You don’t need to be calm all the time
This doesn’t need to become another thing on your to-do list.
You can begin by noticing what state you’re in and how you’re breathing. From there, you might try one gentle practice or one small boundary around something that keeps you switched on.
Over time, you may begin to recognise your needs earlier. Perhaps you notice tension before it becomes overwhelm, or give yourself a pause before responding.
Sometimes that pause creates a little room to ask: “What is happening for me, and what do I need right now?”
Stress is allowed. Discomfort is allowed. You don’t need to be zen to meet yourself with a little more understanding.
About Krystle
Krystle Phelan is an integrative counsellor and breathwork facilitator working from Summit Counselling and Psychotherapy in Swords, Co. Dublin. She works with adults and adolescents, supporting people experiencing anxiety, grief, relationship difficulties and life transitions.
Looking for support?
If something in this article feels familiar, you’re welcome to contact Summit Counselling and Psychotherapy to enquire about counselling with Krystle in Swords or online.